Escaping From the Mind...

The idea that one cannot love another until they love themselves is a good idea that seems to make sense. But what does that really mean on a practical level?

The relationship you have with your 'self' happens right up in the old noggin and nowhere else. What's going on in your head determines how you relate to everything outside your head. 

The thoughts in your brain are the cause of the emotions you experience and you cannot have an emotion without first having a thought that evokes that emotion (repetitive thinking results in repetitive emotions), other than neurochemical imbalances from a brain disorder. Yet, even neurochemical imbalances still allow for conscious deliberation of thought processes in the recognition that it is a brain disorder and not a conscious intention. Thoughts often arise with no conscious intent, but you are free to direct those thoughts down pathways of your choosing.

However, in the past 30 yrs I have met with numerous individuals who actually seek out every means possible to avoid the activity of their own mind and the thoughts that arise. They have abdicated choice through a belief that their mind is separate from their 'self' and outside the control of the 'self.'

Many will employ distractions at an addictive level, i.e., drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, food, TV, Netflix, music, exercise, shopping, food, etc, and even over-socializing as a means of becoming fixated on external actions to anesthetize the maladaptive firing of electro-chemical synapses (thought) that only results in negative mood states such as anxiety, depression, anger and guilt (The Big Four).

Mind runners tend to lack insight into the reasons they think and feel as they do and move through life on autopilot, reflexively reacting to external stimuli from emotional reasoning rather than rational deliberation requiring intentionally thought out responses. Hence, their lives tend to demonstrate a sense of spastic chaos, with relationships obviously spiraling out of control.

I have worked with individuals who maintain a constant state of external activity as a means of escaping the mind, only to be dropped to their knees in exhaustion, provoked by their own relentless effort at escaping their own mental schemas and narratives (internal dialogue). In the extreme, even the idea of sitting down to watch a movie results in a mild panic, because they eventually become enmeshed in spiraling thoughts of negativity making it impossible to focus and requiring they leave the couch and immediately engage in some activity that requires full focus and allows them to escape their own thought processes.

How can we expect to engage in healthy relationships when we fear the thought processes in our own head? If you cannot facilitate a positive relationship with your own brain, how in the hell can you develop a positive relationship with another brain (person)?

Thought processes emanate from beliefs and what you believe about yourself is exactly how you will think about your 'self" and it will be that 'self' that engages the world. If the beliefs are deeply dysfunctional and maladaptive, thinking will conform to those beliefs and direct your behaviors accordingly and you will project those thoughts onto other brains (people), with the understanding that if you think it true about your 'self,' others must as well and, hence, your interactions will suffer accordingly.

The point of therapy is to identify irrational, unrealistic beliefs about the self and replace with more realistic appraisals and perspectives as a means of improving your relationship with your 'self' and thereby, improving your relationships with others.