Embedded within every relationship is an underlying, unconscious control drama and the more intimate the relationship the more that drama may become suffocating.
We are ego-centered beings constantly evaluating how much control we have over our personal world. We are hard-wired to immediately assess how much control we can and cannot assert in each and every experience we encounter and this subconscious evaluative tendency is a survival tactic going back thousands of years, when we existed in small tribes of hunter-gatherers.
However, the most extreme and often damaging effects of egocentric control is manifest in modern intimate relationships, in which partners, husbands/wives, parents/children, are constantly strategizing for control on a subconscious/unconscious level. Even young children, who have little power and control within the family system, quickly learn the emotional buttons that can rapidly change a parental "no" into a "yes."
Projecting guilt onto another, over time, will inevitably progress into shaming tactics, in which a poor decision becomes a reflection of the inherently defective nature of your very 'being.' It was not simply an error in judgment, that can be corrected in the future, you made an error in judgment because you are a bad person, implying that bad decisions are inherent to your nature and will inevitably be made consistently throughout your entire life. This is particularly pernicious when employed as a means to control children, since it can only lead to a maladaptive self image which will impede success in adulthood.
Guilt seeks to repair. Shame seeks to hide. Guilt seeks apology. Shame seeks escape. Guilt molds and shapes future behavior for improvement. Shame molds and shapes future behavior for defeat. Guilt makes relationships stronger through repair. Shame destroys relationships through denial. Guilt rates your actions. Shame rates YOU.
Shaming tactics seek control by grinding away at the core of your being and are only effective if you're in an emotionally fragmented state that is not seeking to heal deep seated insecurities, and even denies the insecurities exist. Your deeper insecurities can only be identified by those closest to you and if they seek to exact control over you, shaming tactics will emphasize those insecurities (this is why we are often more deeply hurt by the ones we "love" because they know our depths).
The only way to insulate yourself from shaming tactics is to identify your insecurities and engage recovery. Simply being in the process of healing constructs an impenetrable shell around your psyche, insulating you from shaming tactics. By fully acknowledging and seeking to heal your insecurities, your self-confidence and self-worth grows and what was once seen as weakness becomes a sign of strength, making you virtually impervious to shame.
Fragmented Self
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