Many unconsciously employ conflict (or “fighting”) as a baseline measure of a relationship’s stability and level of happiness. Increasing episodes of argument or disagreement are tabulated as proof that the relationship is in decline or “bad,” whether this is a relationship with a spouse/partner, a son/daughter, extended family or even friends.
Intimacy and closeness erodes through the dishonesty of veiled and hidden feelings.Intimacy cannot thrive in a field made barren by the emotional drought of a prolonged disengagement that breeds continued dishonesty. Sometimes conflict is necessary to achieve the level of honesty that increases understanding.
Conflict can be a valuable source of uncovering honesty when it is within the constructive boundaries of mutual respect. In my work with couples and families it is often incumbent upon me to provoke conflict between members as a means of finally, often after many years, bringing up honest assertions born of years of repressed resentment.
Truth can lie dormant for many years and may take an episode of mediated confrontation to be brought to the surface for others to see and, and more importantly, seek to understand, “so this is why you’ve been doing that all these years?” Your “truth” is often not thee truth, but it is still yours based on the interpretations you cling to as fact and those facts result in emotional responses that are often based on faulty or deficient information. If you do not seek the necessary information you will believe in facts that are not accurate to the reality.
Significant others need to know how you feel and omission or withdrawal is dishonest. Corrections can be made, but only when mistaken perceptions are recognized, understood and corrected. What you keep contained will contaminate not only your relationships, but your very life. Exit a relationship with unresolved emotional baggage and you will most assuredly take that with you to the next relationship and the next.
Your blame of them merely denies your own accountability. In the circular negative patterns that have evolved over time, who is really to blame?
In some relationships the degree of disengagement is so severe that only through conflict can truth be discovered. These moments are like “turd blossoms” (Bushism) in which beautiful flowers miraculously blossom out of the most putrid manure. Yet, make no mistake, digging in the dirt means you will get dirty. But cleanup is a joy. Don’t fear conflict, but make it work for you.
When honesty is absent, walls are built up in which nothing gets in or out. You think you know him, so you no longer ask for explanations, just shoot from the hip. You think you know her, so there isn’t a need to explain yourself anymore, “who cares?” This is the foundation of contempt and contempt goes beyond mere criticism. Now you couldn’t care less.
Eventually contempt crosses the imaginary line of hatred and from that point there is often no turning back. Enemies are made in living rooms and bedrooms worldwide creating a nation of emotionless zombies.
Through conflict truth often makes itself known, but that conflict needs to be within boundaries. Conflict engaged in personal attacks is not constructive but useless. When he calls her a “bitch” or she calls him an “asshole,” I demand specifics, not accepting sophomoric generalizations that express nothing but the intensity of the anger and not why it exists. What hurt is behind your expression? What makes you feel this way? This is what they fail to get at, because the verbal abuse merely builds bigger walls for which to fortify defenses.
After many years of abuse, discord, dishonesty and alienation, is it any wonder incidences of depression are sky rocketing? More meds for the lonely and alienated….
Whether that honesty is with your partner or your children, time to get honest and if the dishonesty has gone on too long, best you start digging in the dirt.
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