Marital Brain Damage and the Nuclear Option

Chronic marital/relationship conflict negatively alters brain neuro-circuitry, promoting hard-wired, knee-jerk responses. Often, just looking at the your spouse/partner can result in a rush of stress hormones flooding the brain and body, resulting in radical changes of mood.

Repetitively followed psycho-scripted 'fight 'scenarios are never based in the moment, but always include stored resentments collected over many years. Let's face it, half the time you have no idea why the fight started in the first place. Nevertheless, you verbally assault each other like two sumo wrestlers fighting for sole command of the wrestling mat.

This results in dopamine decreases (the seeker/desire neuro-chemical) and the desire to be around one another declines, increasing alienation and estrangement. You begin to note your mood rises when he/she leaves for work and begins a gradual decline as quitting time approaches, while hearing the car enter the driveway causes chest tightness and stomach cramping.

Dopamine[C8H11NO2] – desire molecule (neurotransmitter): levels increase as passion levels increase; elevated levels are associated with romantic love.135 Is produced by specialized nerve cells located in the arcuate nucleus of the brain. Increased levels associated with sexual arousal and heightened motivation.136 Elevated levels directly associated with a preference for a particular mate.137 Mate favoritism is associated with a fifty percent increase in the nucleus accumbens, a part of the brain associated with craving and addiction. Is responsible for the desire or pursuit of any pleasure [see: pleasure center]; without it, a person will feel no joy, anticipation, enthusiasm, excitement, or exuberance. LINK

As desire continues to deteriorate, physical touch and affection decreases, resulting in an absence of oxytocin (the bonding chemical). Without nominal levels of oxytocin, your relationship/bond is essentially doomed.

Oxytocin [C43H66N12O12S2] – bonding molecule (hormone): high levels correlate with strong pair-bonding; sometimes called the ‘cuddle chemical’; levels rise during touching, kissing, and foreplay, and peak during orgasm. Is considered the ‘hormone of love’.123 Associated with male-female attachment.124 Is made in the hypothalamus, ovaries, and testes. LINK

The number of chemicals and hormones involved in pair-bonding and reproductive strategies is far too numerous to mention LINK (and make no mistake, no matter how much the modern human wishes to extract himself from the instincts of nature, pair-bonding is a hard-wired, genetic drive and all those brain chemical transmissions serve only to provoke reproduction). Nevertheless, a deteriorating relationship results in increased levels of some hormones and neuro-chemicals and a decrease in others.

This chemical concoction can result in dysfunctional patterns of engagement becoming so rigidly solidified that all attempts to disengage from the pattern becomes seemingly futile. The problem is that repetitive experiences tend to become hard-wired in brain circuitry, due to neuro-circuit and hormone imbalances, causing responses to become habituated or locked-in.

In other words, due to gradually altered brain circuitry, you have become literally 'addicted' to various forms of interaction with your mate and, like driving a car, you do it automatically, without conscious intent or choice. Hence, the psycho-scripted nature of all your bedroom battles is essentially based on 'subconscious' automatic responses that can manifest in nanoseconds.

Yet, because of the neuroplasticity of the brain, maladaptive patterns can be identified and brain rebooting and neuro-circuit pruning can occur, depending on the length of time you have been engaged in the negative interactional pattern. Problem is, you see his/her maladaptive patterns as he/she sees yours, but the brain filters out identification of your own dysfunctional patterns, or that which prompts their responses subsequently prompting your usual counter attack.

Some individuals are so adamantly addicted to their reflexive responses that even a full blown lobotomy couldn't break them from the neural hard-wiring that was sculpted from years of righteously justifying the continuation of that dysfunctional response (negative reinforcement), bolstering the fact that...

After 30 years in this field I can confidently, yet sadly, report that, taking into account the post-modern acceptance of the quick fix (pills), planned obsolescence and cultural narcissism, without seemingly infinite levels of blood, sweat and tears (well, maybe not so much 'blood,' unless referring to blood pressure), the state of ego-centered human relationships seems rather bleak and becoming bleaker.

THE NUCLEAR OPTION

The 'nuclear option' is a complete overhaul and thoughts, feelings and, especially, behaviors, since behaviors are the chief sculpting mechanism of neuro-circuitry (other than biological imperatives and pair-bonding for reproduction is a genetically hard-wired imperative that can be modulated but not shut off completely).

After 20-30 years of chronic conflict and maladaptive interacting, the nuclear option may be your only hope of reconciliation. But the work required is enormous and most are not up to the task and will simply take themselves, and their hard-wired brain circuitry, to the next relationship to essentially play out the same neuro-scripted responses to interactional stress.

However, if you wish to employ the nuclear option....