The exciting embarkation to form a perfect union of two (“when the two shall become as one”) begins easily enough. High expectations tend to deny personality differences and opposing egocentric incompatibilities. However, the initial expectation that love can ONLY blossom (a strange persistent cultural preoccupation called “romance”) may eventually result in increasing episodes of disillusionment and disappointment, only to end in despair.
Communication errors can evolve into personal affronts and even insults, only to become stored resentments that are never talked about, but allowed to simmer within the deeper recesses of the mind. Trust becomes variable, until it eventually fades from view and heated exchanges become predictable, almost if as scripted. Understanding evaporates and complete strangers emerge from the continued wreckage, only to unconsciously continue demolition.
Intimate interactions are replaced by brief surface chatter in which nothing of any depth is discussed. What began full of passionate dreams for the future gradually devolves into the disengaged alienation of two strangers.
Some will attempt to bring children into this mix, thinking that such bundles of joy can only improve conditions and bring love rushing back into the vacuum. Unfortunately, this only makes it worse, because of unconscious alliances and triads forming to offset the emptiness of the disengagement. Children demand attention and if it suffered between you before, make no mistake, it gets worse. "If he does not turn to me, then I will turn to my children and is she does not turn to me, then I’ll go golfing more often or work later."
Love is a spiritual connection that few make, simply because the expectation is that it will unfold naturally. Although this is, in fact, a human natural predisposition, socio-cultural conditioned belief-systems will obstruct. There is very little 'natural' about modern society.
Nevertheless, hope springs eternal and the same distorted beliefs that your parents have demonstrated, resulting in their alienation, you now both seem to be caught up in. Experience is a powerful learning device and there is so much you learned in childhood that needs to be unlearned NOW.
Nevertheless, some remain together, products of the traditional cultural expectation. However, they are drained of depth and merely perpetuate the repetitive use of communal space minus any intimacy. In therapy, I would ask one partner a simple question about themselves. After answering the other spouse would surprisingly respond, “I didn’t know you thought that!” Later, I would ask a similar question to the opposite spouse, resulting in a similar exclamation from the other partner, “I never knew you felt that!” Such is the evolving nature of alienation and estrangement. Any foundational depth of mutual understanding, resulting in committed efforts, is now possibly gone for good.
Helping strangers to commit to one another again, after often decades of disengaged alienation, can be an endeavor of monumental proportions.
My first homework assignment: Engage together one hour a week, scheduled so as not to be missed, sit together without distraction and discuss each other, the relationship, goals for the future, etc. But, they return to me with “we didn’t know what to talk about” or “it was so uncomfortable.”
Indeed, what has become comfortable is small talk. Surface drive-by discussions of a logistical nature. Can you pick up the car from shop, who’s taking little Johnny to Boy Scouts, did you pay the electric bill, while both watch separate TV shows on separate TVs in separate rooms, until bedtime, when one becomes angry the other is snoring (which, of course eventually results in separate beds). Of course, logistical issues of home management must be dealt with, but when this is all there is, one often wonders what the need of the other is, except a paycheck and babysitting services.
One wonders what’s the point of a union that only breeds contempt.
Once contempt enters, then all bets are off. Past aspirations have been flushed and fantasies of an ideal romance outside the marriage pop up occasionally. Pornography may become more frequent and attentions from coworkers become daring preludes to the extramarital possibility of a “romance” once again.
If you’re becoming entangled in the dynamics of alienation now, then there’s little time to waste. Renewing commitment to each other will take a great deal of WORK. Don’t come to the therapist after your love has dwindled to barely a flickering spark and expect it to be saved in a month or two. How many years of alienation have you endured? How many personal slights have you stored as resentments?
The deep understanding you must again achieve will be an uncomfortably long process. However, eventually, what began as “work” becomes a pleasurable engagement of reunification. Make no mistake, with increased understanding comes increased commitment and intimacy resulting in decreased episodes of sporadic petty conflicts.
But most are not up to the depth of understanding this requires because it is on a deeper level than post-modern suburban society allows.
Most either wish to remain the same (men) or have allowed the heart to whither without a word (women). Is it any wonder web sites that promote extramarital affairs (Ashley Madison) are all the rage? Sex with strangers is a product of nature and has about as much depth as two kittens huddling together in a corner.
Give me six months and I will probe to the deepest recesses of your stored resentments in helping you bring them to the surface and I will show you what your continued alienation as done to your spirit. Do not expect miracles, but do expect hard work in becoming excruciatingly honest with one another and you will experience the fruits of engagement that come with it. Make no mistake, what belongs to you that you do not work out in this relationship…
…you will most certainly take with you to the next.
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