Witness to a Self-Destruct: Let Go or Be Dragged

I am currently witness to a slow self destruct of a loved one.  Maybe you too have been such a witness.

Yet, I have also been a participant of the slow self destruction and survived. Therefore, I know it can be overcome and recovery can be realized, but that healing can be a long and arduous path lasting many years, with intermittent relapses and episodic returns to the destructive behavior(s) over many years, even an entire lifetime.

Once the brain's pleasure centers are hardwired to seek relief through chemical or behavioral addictions and compulsions, the electro-chemical current to the excitatory circuit that motivates the behaviors can be shut off, but the circuit will remain intact for life (depending on the extent of the addiction). Hence, the story of the addict/alcoholic or mentally ill individual in remission for 10-20 years, living a productive and happy life, only to have that circuit light up, resulting in a full-blown return to the destructive behaviors and a more rapid descent into the very pits of psycho-emotional hell.

Untreated psycho-emotional illness coupled with chemical and/or behavioral addictions, spirals downward, gaining ever greater speed in approaching bottom.

Yet, this post is for the witness...

Those who climb mountains and cross oceans to help the loved one, living in fear of the possible tragic consequences. The friends and family who do everything they can, only to witness all their attempts thwarted, ignored or even attacked.

The frustration for the helper can become overwhelming, seeing clearly what needs to be done and watching dumbstruck as the individual ignores all attempts at healing and often becomes more deeply engaged in the self-destructive behaviors.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. You can help them find a path to recovery, but you cannot make them walk it.

But trying telling this to a parent....

Long-term chemical and behavioral addictions result in a form of brain shrinkage in the brain's frontal lobe called hypofrontality and this results in poor decision-making skills and impulsive behaviors. Expect this to occur, resulting in frequent relapses and the accompanying irrational behaviors.

However, even with brief periods of abstinence the brain's tendency to seek the natural homeostasis it was originally wired for gradually returns and relapses become less frequent, less intense and of less duration.

Nevertheless, the time this takes is unique to the individual and is based on the degree of his or her chemical or behavioral addiction. In addition, recovery and healing of brain functioning is guaranteed. Yet, inherent to that path is the possibility of tragedy because of the intensity of the relapses that hypofrontality makes possible.

There is no denying the stories of those who seemed to be clearly on the road to recovery, after many months of vigilant efforts, only to die tragically in a bathroom stall because the relapse was more than the brain could accommodate.

Know this and make peace with it. Recognize you are dealing with a terminally ill patient who may overcome his illness or may be overcome by it. Hope for remission, but acknowledge the potential for death. 

In my 30 years working with chemical and behavioral addictions, I have seen those who all believed cured, suddenly without warning, succumb to the addiction and die and those who were crossed off as beyond all hope, rise from the ashes to not only survive, but thrive magnificently.

We are all on a path and on that path we can be supported, but essentially we walk alone. As witness to a self-destruct, your choice to walk beside the loved one is crucial.

But if he makes a wrong turn, you may have to let him go on without you...