"I Love Her/Him, But I'm Not In-Love With Her/Him'

Both men and women have masculine and feminine qualities inherent to their personality. However, clearly males tend to exhibit more masculine qualities than females and vice versa. All attraction stems, by degree, in how these qualities engage interest and lead to intimacy.

On a base biological level, the feminine is attracted to the masculine and vice versa. This is the yin/yang duality found in all of nature and innate to humans since we are an integral part of nature. No matter how many fictional purposes we attribute to human sexuality, we are hardwired by instinctual mating drives that motivate behaviors on a subconscious level. 

There are numerous theories and hypotheses regarding the nature of attraction, but most seem to deny this deepest level of attraction and intimacy that requires no conscious deliberation or intention since it is genetically hard-wired and directs our behavior on a subconscious level.

Many years of providing couple/marriage therapy, as well as following the research of evolutionary psychology, has resulted in my identifying the masculine/feminine dynamics in the couples that come to me for therapy and how relationships suffer when that subconscious dynamic begins to erode over time.

Masculine/Feminine Transference:

In many of the couples I work with, a transference of masculine/feminine traits has transpired over many years. She was originally attracted to his masculinity, as it consequently brought her feminine traits to arise resulting in their mutual attraction. However, over time there is a transference as she begins to take on more masculine traits, masking her feminine qualities, while there is an inadvertent erosion to his masculinity as he assumes feminine characteristics.

Neither partner can be specifically identified as the cause, since both engage in this erosion simultaneously on a subconscious level. I see this often, as both begin to lose respect for each other, desiring to regain that initial attraction they once experienced when both masculine and feminine traits were complementary and in equitable proportion to maintain the attraction and continue the bond.

This is when I hear the tired old refrain, "I love her/him, but I'm not in love with her/him." They have no real conscious idea of why the attraction dissolved and all the work they do to regain that desire seems futile, because the work requires conscious focus, which denies the subconscious drive that fuels the mutual disdain and eventual alienation.

No amount of "date nights," flowers, Victoria's Secret, etc, will suffice to renew that initial attraction if the respect has diminished due to this transference of masculine/feminine energy. No amount of increased communication will serve to renew the mutual respect that was the initial foundation of the attraction because the the yin/yang of the masculine/feminine connection is not consciously available for understanding, since it is a subconscious instinctual drive.

The goal of therapy is to identify, renew and celebrate both the masculine and feminine qualities which results in mutual respect on a subconscious level, since that is exactly where the disconnect occurred.